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<h1>simple truths</h1>

[ "Helpful" New Mom Advice ]
[ Breastfeeding ]
[ "Significant" Others ]
[ No Wonder We're so Neurotic ]


<h2>"helpful" new mom advice</h2>

Q: Do all grandmothers think they know better than we (the moms) do?
A: While we love our moms dearly and appreciate their efforts when it comes to raising our kids, I think I'm going to scream if I hear "Well, I didn't do that with you and you turned out just fine" one more time. I mean, there was also a time when we didn't have penicillin - does that mean that we don't need that either? Yes, I realize that cars didn't always have seatbelts, we didn't ride our bikes with helmets or knee pads and you smoked through your pregnancies, but I thought I might try things a little differently. I mean, is it really going overboard to try to avoid my daughter getting her period when she's 5 by feeding her organic meat?
   

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<h2>breastfeeding</h2>

Q: Why doesn't anyone tell the new mom that breastfeeding is going to make her nipples feel like they could fall off at any moment?
A: For those of you who may not have experienced total euphoria and unending bliss with your breastfeeding experience, we are here to tell you, we have yet to find anyone who has! For some reason, we go into it thinking that the sky is supposed to open up and the birds should start singing as we share in this beautiful bonding experience with our baby. And we beat ourselves up when this doesn't turn out to be the case or more specifically, when the exact opposite seems to happen. Nipples that feel like they've been rubbed with sandpaper, treated with a salt scrub and then set on fire, clogged ducts, not enough milk, too much milk, etc. While we may not have the expertise to offer real help in this area (aside from letting you know you're not alone!), we can certainly recommend someone who does. La Leche League (www.llli.org) is a wealth of information and a great resource for new moms.
   
Q: Is there really not a better way to warm cold breast milk?
A: After putting on the S&M contraption they call a pumping bra, hooking ourselves up to a machine that stretches our nipples like a Gumby doll, sitting dutifully for 20-30 minutes to hopefully produce enough for baby's breakfast the next day (while trying to convince ourselves that the slurping noises coming from the machine are soothing!) only to have to do this all over again in an hour or two, couldn't there at least be a better way to warm the milk after it's been refrigerated! Sticking a cold bottle in a coffee mug and filling it with hot tap water isn't exactly efficient. Sure 3 changes of water and 20 minutes later it's ready to go, but there has to be a better way. With 192 pumps to choose from, 876 different types of breast milk storage containers and 2,927 apparel designs that make it possible to access your boobs in .027 seconds flat, is there really not a better breast milk warmer than my ceramic coffee mug?
   

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<h2>"significant" others</h2>

Q: Will my husband ever snap out of it and actually be of any help when it comes to the baby?
A: No. This is why we call them Bobbleheads. It describes their cluelessness and
deer-in-the-headlights wandering perfectly…and it gives you an image that allows you to laugh when you otherwise might want to hurt them.
   
Q: How do I get my husband to be more proactive and help me out with the baby?
A: Whatever you do, don't come straight out and ask him. In other words, don't use logic or reason by doing what might come naturally to you like simply asking him to "help out a little more." It won't sink in. Simply start running your Target® errands toward the end of nap time so he has no choice but to step up and figure things out on his own. And the beauty of it is that he won't even realize you did this on purpose.
   
Q: Do all husbands require endless praise and credit when they do step up and
are proactive?
A: Qualitatively speaking, this is true for about 99.64% of dads. This behavior typically manifests itself in his suddenly speaking in third person to your child, saying things like: "Didn't Daddy make you a great dinner?"; "Didn't you love the way Daddy read you that book"…
   

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<h2>no wonder we're so neurotic</h2>

Q: When do I have to start applying to Kindergarten?
A: When you start thinking about maybe one day potentially having kids. It's simply
never too early and if you haven't done it by at least say, fertilization, then your child has absolutely no chance of getting into college.
   
Q: Who exactly are "They" in "They say…?"
A: We have absolutely no idea. But we sure wish "They" would make up their mind. First "They" tell us that it's critical that our babies sleep on their stomachs but then later tell us the only safe way to sleep is on their backs. Then "They" told us that we should feed our kids high-allergen foods early in order to build immunity to them. Of course, "They" later changed their minds and told us to wait a few years or else we would actually be causing the allergies. "They" suck.
   
Q: Can you recommend toddler activities that are better suited for the Type-A mom?
A: We think this question is better answered by advising you on a few activities you should probably stay away from as a Type-A: (1) Mr. Potato Head – it's simply unbearable when your little angel puts the ear in the eye hole (2) Lego's – how is it possible to make a sturdy house without an even foundation? (3) Coloring – you'll find yourself evening things out when your little person isn't looking.
   

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